I Never Knew...

How strongly I was attached to our golden retriever...
How much her snoring was a strange comfort...
How much her incessant following me from room to room would be so dearly missed...
That her need to be near us, at all times, wasn't really an annoyance after all...
That her expressive eyes would become one of my favorite ways she had about her...
That someday I'd miss hearing the rustling noises coming from the kitchen...
That I'd gladly let her steal my burger if I could again...
That the love she gave stole a piece of my heart...
That our beloved Zuzu was fatally ill...
Until that dreadful day when we took her to the vet and heard his words, cutting like a knife, ripping out those parts of my heart that I had no idea she occupied...
Amidst sobbing children and stoic husband we said goodbye to our sweet girl. So many tears. Where is the spring that sends them forth in such abundance? Is there nothing that can limit their flow?

Maybe at times like this the crying is for more than the lost friend. Perhaps the oppressive melancholy gives one permission to cry for other lost beloveds. Cry for the first child to leave the nest - not soon enough for the son itching to be a man in the world - too soon for a mother's timeline. I'm not ashamed that I want my children close to me... Bravely I've let him go on his own and I try not to call too often. But I'm lonely for him. Truly only just yesterday he was a little boy. Cry for the daughter turning 18; bolstered by age to need no one. She's still here with us, but I'm already lonely for her. Cry for the passing of friends and loved ones into eternity. It's lonely without them. Cry for the sweet, sweet doggie who had to be wherever we were. Lonely. Cry. And so the deluge comes.

Oh how we miss her...
We begin many sentences these days with "remember when Zuzu would...." In time the raw sadness will give way to a mellow reminiscense - we'll smile and fondly share with each other a "zuzu anecdote."

To say that a dog is "man's best friend" is no longer a cliche to this girl...in fact, I do believe, in some small measure, our great God has manifested a portion of His infinite love to us through our faithful companion. And ZuZu was that, if nothing else, faithful and ever-loving. A gift indeed.